Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Three months being back in Brazil. Three more months to go.

Life is good, easy, perfect. No complaints, other than that I realized my ability to pick up a new language is nonexistent, which is quite surprising considering I learned Chinese.

I am happy because I am making enough money, I know how to do my job, I have a small group of friends, and my days and happiness revolve around Felipe.

I am confused and nervous because once again, I am back to square one of not knowing what my next step will be. For now, I am somewhat convinced getting a job in California is what I truly want. But will I regret leaving my easy, perfect life in Brazil? I still have so much to do, so much to see, so much to learn. But I am not getting any younger.......


Felipe and I are planning a trip to Bonito after my birthday!


And this will be me in three months, throwing a gang sign in my snorkeling gear, representing West side.  Where is Michelle when you need her...



Friday, June 29, 2012

What I have learned while I was in Brazil

    
                                                              


                                                                                            







California Love

Damn, it feels amazing being back in California. I guess it is true: it really takes moving to a new area to make you appreciate your home. California feels amazing, smells beautiful, and is absolutely perfect. I am almost a little sad that I am leaving in nine days. It's not enough time to be with my family and friends. I love being able to talk to strangers in English, being in control of my own transportation and commute, making good money, listening to good, upcoming music, and just... being relaxed. I am still pretty confused but for the first time in my life, I feel at peace in San Diego.

If I wanted to be completely honest, there are only three reasons why I am going back to Brazil: one is to prove something to myself, another is that I kind of didn't think it through so it is a little too late to back down , and the other one is a secret.


Thursday, June 21, 2012

holy shit this is going to be long.

Student visa approved. I'm back in Brazil on July 9.

Kinda feeling whatevers at this point. I hate how restless and easily bored I get. I only have a few things to look forward to when I am back in Sao Paulo, one being the Portuguese for Foreigners course at PUC. 

I am turning 26 this year and coming to Brazil has only answered one big question: I don't want to teach English for the rest of my life. Teaching one-on-one's has completely devalued my original passion for teaching. Not saying that this experience has been super awful or anything, but I just don't like the idea that I will never get promoted. Also, privately tutoring people is draining, and the reason why I loved teaching the Omani's was because of the classroom dynamic. Maybe it's also because it has been a year since I started teaching so I'm slowly becoming jaded by it. 

I have been staying at my grandmother's new retirement home in Santa Ana for the past week. She is living in this one-bedroom apartment in a government subsidized retirement apt complex...for only $173 a month. I KNOW RIGHT?! I'm keeping her company so she can adjust to this dramatic change, but I am also doing it for selfish reasons. It is like a true vacation where I don't do anything all day and since I don't have a car, I don't feel guilty for staying in, sleeping in, and being in my pajamas all day. Also, my grandma makes the best food ever, so I am living the life right now. I have only been in San Diego for half a day. However, next week is gonna be an abrupt transition to my old life: subbing at SDSU and working at the restaurant. I am somewhat looking forward to it and somewhat dreading it. Making money will be nice, working my ass off and questioning my skills will not. I don't know why I am nervous about it, there's nothing to be nervous about. 

Staying at my grandma's is also allowing me to pull myself away from everything and giving me the necessary time and brainpower to really figure out what I want to do in 2013 and essentially, for the rest of my life. I am starting to get really anxious and torn between doing what I want and doing what is right. 

I want to go to Taiwan really badly in 2013. I feel like that is the place where I am suppose to be. But it would mean applying for a teaching position. It would probably be better this time around though because I think I would be teaching groups rather than individual students. Supposedly I could make enough money to live, have fun, and save money. I really want to go because I want to eat a lot of Taiwanese food and pay very little money for shit. Also because I can speak the language. And subconsciously, because I am too scared to face the real world and compete in the business industry. 

  



But honestly, I don't think I should go. I feel like I should start applying for legit jobs in California and just settle down with a 9-to-5 job and pay off my credit card debt and student loans. Maybe if I followed my brain, instead of my heart, I would feel less anxious, guilty, and irresponsible all the time. But then again, the other part of me is like, "You're young! Travel and do everything you want or else you will always look back and regret that you missed this opportunity. Jobs and San Francisco will always be there, but you won't always have this chance to immerse yourself in a different culture!" 

But then the other part of me is like, "You're stupid, you're super in debt. Taiwan will always be there, you can go there for vacation once you  make some money. You're already turning 26 and you haven't even established a career yet. For fuck's sake, you haven't even determined what you want to do with your life. Stop being so scared and just work towards something." 

I have several options, all of which have pros and cons. I will start with the ones I want the most, therefore are probably the most irresponsible ones:



Option#1: Stay in Brazil after January. 
[+] Get to know the country and South America more. It gives me an excuse to travel since I don't know when I will be back here again. That is a lie, once I am filthy rich, I will be visiting a lot in the future. 
[+] I would only do this if I have somewhat grasped Portuguese, get a better job, and/or move into a new place to stay. I love my host parents but I am starting to feel like a teenager living at home. It would be nice if I could bring all my friends over, get shitfaced, break things, get sloppy, have people spend the night, and not be judged. 
[-] Be poor forever. Brazil is really eating up my money. 
[-] Achieve almost nothing valuable here. I mean maybe opportunities will come where they will change my life for the better, but for now I can almost venture to say it is kind of a waste of my time. =/ But I shouldn't really be so negative about that, because you never know, something good might come out of this. 






Option#2: Move to Taiwan for a year, and then move to San Francisco. 
[+] Taiwan is a country I have been curious about for the past year or two. It has everything I like: street markets, Taiwanese food, appreciation/admiration for Americans (what... I love it when people worship me....), cheap cost of living, and weird cutesy asiany thingies, like this: 


[+] I can finally communicate with everyone. I miss being about to talk to strangers in a language I understand. I went to Zion market last week and random Korean ladies came up to me to talk to me in English and I was just like "YAY!!! I LOVE TALKING ABOUT SQUASH, PROMOTIONS, AND LONG LINES WITH YOU!!" 
[+] I already have a lot of connections there, including old classmates, family friends, and family. 
[+] I can supposedly save $500 a month if I don't go nuts in shopping. 
[-] I will probably go nuts and continue to live paycheck-to-paycheck. 
[-] One year in Taiwan would mean one year away from developing my career, which would mean I would continue to be inexperienced and have to compete with more recent college graduates. 



Option#3: Move to San Francisco and settle down. 
[+] Can finally work on my career and hopefully be successful by the time I am 30 years old. 
[+] I have wanted to live in SF for the past eight years. It is like my ultimate calling. 
[+] Find friends and be with people who are more similar to me in terms of music taste, art preference, fashion style, everything. And there is Chinatown, my faves!!
[-] Expensive as hell. I would probably be back in square one, complaining about how in debt I am. 
[-] I wonder if I will look back and regret not living in Taiwan. 



Option#4: Move to the OC, be absolutely miserable but somewhat at peace for doing the most mature and responsible thing. 
[+] I can move into my stepdad's place or my grandmother's place and not have to pay rent, hence saving a ton of money. 
[+] My mom would be happy, and I love making my mom happy, which I rarely do due to my free-spiritedness and anti-traditional-Chinese ways. 
[+] I'd be about 30 minutes away from my best friend Kevin in Irvine, Mikey in Fullerton, Jimmy in Venice Beach, and an hour away from Angela and Eric in LA. It's amazing how everything worked out this way. 
[+] Lots of good Asian restaurants in OC.......
[+] Use the money saved to pay off my credit card debt and student loans. I will probably feel less at war with myself... but...
[-] I'd be so horribly miserable. I hate the OC, a lot more than San Diego. This negative point alone outweighs all the benefits for me. 


Typing all of this out makes me want to go to Taiwan more. Maybe I can be irresponsible for the last time in my life and continue to strive for fun, memorable experiences. 



Not really sure why some excerpts are highlighted, maybe Blogspot really cares about those specific points of my life. 

Friday, June 8, 2012

happy times, sad times

kind of excited to visit california because it will be a brief change of scenery. it's raining and cold in sao paulo, it will be hot and dry in san diego. i can say hello to my grandmother and goodbye to my childhood anchor, my parents' restaurant. everything is changing or has changed while i was gone for the past five months. all for the better, but change nonetheless.

but at the same time, i don't want to go back because i have this irrational paranoia that something will go wrong. i also don't want to go back because it will bring back old (trivial) memories, things that i thought i had forgotten  or had gotten over.

in a way, i have no home, not here or there. i kind of like that. but at the same time, it reminds me that i never found the answers i came for.

on a more positive note, del mar fair is happening. like, im going to pig out until i forget my own name.



Thursday, May 17, 2012

killjoy

son of a bitch.

1. I can't use both my tourist and student visas during the same trip, so that means I won't know if I can stay longer than four months.
2. It could take up to two weeks to process my visa application. That means two weeks of suspense.
3. Brazilian consulate is a total buzzkill.




Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I have so much to tell you

Jan 26 - March 16 = 51 days
March 18 - June 13 = 88 days

51 + 88 = 139
180 - 139 = 41 days remaining on my tourist visa. 

Classes are from Aug 14 - Nov 29, meaning if I get a student visa for that time period, I can enter Brazil as late as July 4th with my tourist visa before my student visa goes into full effect. 

I have two months worth of stories to share. Many up's and several down's, but that has always been the story of my life. I'll save it for some other time. 

March

April

April

May


June: Maria, Kate, Nick White & Jose. 


May has proven to be the best month I've had of 2012. No idea what is going to happen in the remaining half of the year. 




Monday, April 23, 2012

Best Teacher of the Year/ Worst Employee of the Year

Obey me!



Boys & their burps... One time he stopped working, squatted, and then let out this huge ass fart.  I gained so much respect for him after that lesson. 




....I had to clean up the aftermath. 



Future Tiger Mom holllla!








I should reconsider about being a teacher. 







I lied.


I think I want to stay in Brazil. 









My mom is going to kill me. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Just one of those days where I miss my best friends and understanding what everyone around me is saying. 

Not homesick, not regretful, not ungrateful. It just kinda feels like something is missing. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Decision

I found a way to stay in Brazil!
But I am pretty sure I am ready for this:


Taipei Night Streets from salvus on Vimeo.

Two months left. Michelle comes in two weeks! Then Maria, Kate, Jose, and Nick White are going to visit in two months! Then on June 13, Maria and I will both fly out of Sao Paulos international airport together, one heading to California and the other to The Netherlands. Man, what crazy adventures.