Student visa approved. I'm back in Brazil on July 9.
Kinda feeling whatevers at this point. I hate how restless and easily bored I get. I only have a few things to look forward to when I am back in Sao Paulo, one being the Portuguese for Foreigners course at PUC.
I am turning 26 this year and coming to Brazil has only answered one big question: I don't want to teach English for the rest of my life. Teaching one-on-one's has completely devalued my original passion for teaching. Not saying that this experience has been super awful or anything, but I just don't like the idea that I will never get promoted. Also, privately tutoring people is draining, and the reason why I loved teaching the Omani's was because of the classroom dynamic. Maybe it's also because it has been a year since I started teaching so I'm slowly becoming jaded by it.
I have been staying at my grandmother's new retirement home in Santa Ana for the past week. She is living in this one-bedroom apartment in a government subsidized retirement apt complex...for only $173 a month. I KNOW RIGHT?! I'm keeping her company so she can adjust to this dramatic change, but I am also doing it for selfish reasons. It is like a true vacation where I don't do anything all day and since I don't have a car, I don't feel guilty for staying in, sleeping in, and being in my pajamas all day. Also, my grandma makes the best food ever, so I am living the life right now. I have only been in San Diego for half a day. However, next week is gonna be an abrupt transition to my old life: subbing at SDSU and working at the restaurant. I am somewhat looking forward to it and somewhat dreading it. Making money will be nice, working my ass off and questioning my skills will not. I don't know why I am nervous about it, there's nothing to be nervous about.
Staying at my grandma's is also allowing me to pull myself away from everything and giving me the necessary time and brainpower to really figure out what I want to do in 2013 and essentially, for the rest of my life. I am starting to get really anxious and torn between doing what I want and doing what is right.
I want to go to Taiwan really badly in 2013. I feel like that is the place where I am suppose to be. But it would mean applying for a teaching position. It would probably be better this time around though because I think I would be teaching groups rather than individual students. Supposedly I could make enough money to live, have fun, and save money. I really want to go because I want to eat a lot of Taiwanese food and pay very little money for shit. Also because I can speak the language. And subconsciously, because I am too scared to face the real world and compete in the business industry.
But honestly, I don't think I should go. I feel like I should start applying for legit jobs in California and just settle down with a 9-to-5 job and pay off my credit card debt and student loans. Maybe if I followed my brain, instead of my heart, I would feel less anxious, guilty, and irresponsible all the time. But then again, the other part of me is like, "You're young! Travel and do everything you want or else you will always look back and regret that you missed this opportunity. Jobs and San Francisco will always be there, but you won't always have this chance to immerse yourself in a different culture!"
But then the other part of me is like, "You're stupid, you're super in debt. Taiwan will always be there, you can go there for vacation once you make some money. You're already turning 26 and you haven't even established a career yet. For fuck's sake, you haven't even determined what you want to do with your life. Stop being so scared and just work towards something."
I have several options, all of which have pros and cons. I will start with the ones I want the most, therefore are probably the most irresponsible ones:
Option#1: Stay in Brazil after January.
[+] Get to know the country and South America more. It gives me an excuse to travel since I don't know when I will be back here again. That is a lie, once I am filthy rich, I will be visiting a lot in the future.
[+] I would only do this if I have somewhat grasped Portuguese, get a better job, and/or move into a new place to stay. I love my host parents but I am starting to feel like a teenager living at home. It would be nice if I could bring all my friends over, get shitfaced, break things, get sloppy, have people spend the night, and not be judged.
[-] Be poor forever. Brazil is really eating up my money.
[-] Achieve almost nothing valuable here. I mean maybe opportunities will come where they will change my life for the better, but for now I can almost venture to say it is kind of a waste of my time. =/ But I shouldn't really be so negative about that, because you never know, something good might come out of this.
Option#2: Move to Taiwan for a year, and then move to San Francisco.
[+] Taiwan is a country I have been curious about for the past year or two. It has everything I like: street markets, Taiwanese food, appreciation/admiration for Americans (what... I love it when people worship me....), cheap cost of living, and weird cutesy asiany thingies, like this:
[+] I can finally communicate with everyone. I miss being about to talk to strangers in a language I understand. I went to Zion market last week and random Korean ladies came up to me to talk to me in English and I was just like "YAY!!! I LOVE TALKING ABOUT SQUASH, PROMOTIONS, AND LONG LINES WITH YOU!!"
[+] I already have a lot of connections there, including old classmates, family friends, and family.
[+] I can supposedly save $500 a month if I don't go nuts in shopping.
[-] I will probably go nuts and continue to live paycheck-to-paycheck.
[-] One year in Taiwan would mean one year away from developing my career, which would mean I would continue to be inexperienced and have to compete with more recent college graduates.
Option#3: Move to San Francisco and settle down.
[+] Can finally work on my career and hopefully be successful by the time I am 30 years old.
[+] I have wanted to live in SF for the past eight years. It is like my ultimate calling.
[+] Find friends and be with people who are more similar to me in terms of music taste, art preference, fashion style, everything. And there is Chinatown, my faves!!
[-] Expensive as hell. I would probably be back in square one, complaining about how in debt I am.
[-] I wonder if I will look back and regret not living in Taiwan.
Option#4: Move to the OC, be absolutely miserable but somewhat at peace for doing the most mature and responsible thing.
[+] I can move into my stepdad's place or my grandmother's place and not have to pay rent, hence saving a ton of money.
[+] My mom would be happy, and I love making my mom happy, which I rarely do due to my free-spiritedness and anti-traditional-Chinese ways.
[+] I'd be about 30 minutes away from my best friend Kevin in Irvine, Mikey in Fullerton, Jimmy in Venice Beach, and an hour away from Angela and Eric in LA. It's amazing how everything worked out this way.
[+] Lots of good Asian restaurants in OC.......
[+] Use the money saved to pay off my credit card debt and student loans. I will probably feel less at war with myself... but...
[-] I'd be so horribly miserable. I hate the OC, a lot more than San Diego. This negative point alone outweighs all the benefits for me.
Typing all of this out makes me want to go to Taiwan more. Maybe I can be irresponsible for the last time in my life and continue to strive for fun, memorable experiences.
Not really sure why some excerpts are highlighted, maybe Blogspot really cares about those specific points of my life.
