happy times, sad times

kind of excited to visit california because it will be a brief change of scenery. it's raining and cold in sao paulo, it will be hot and dry in san diego. i can say hello to my grandmother and goodbye to my childhood anchor, my parents' restaurant. everything is changing or has changed while i was gone for the past five months. all for the better, but change nonetheless.

but at the same time, i don't want to go back because i have this irrational paranoia that something will go wrong. i also don't want to go back because it will bring back old (trivial) memories, things that i thought i had forgotten  or had gotten over.

in a way, i have no home, not here or there. i kind of like that. but at the same time, it reminds me that i never found the answers i came for.

on a more positive note, del mar fair is happening. like, im going to pig out until i forget my own name.